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Charlotte's Web of Lies
Drawn Together Episode
Season/Episode Season 3 Episode 9
Production Code 313
Original Airdate October 11, 2007
Guest Voices Rebecca Romijn as Charlotte
Jason Huber as Gash and Scroto
Written By Bill Freiberger
Directed By Ray Claffey
Previous Episode Lost in Parking Space, Part Two
Next Episode Breakfast Food Killer

"Charlotte's Web of Lies" is the thirty-first episode of Drawn Together and the ninth episode of season three.


The show opens with the men of the house playing the Drawn Together drinking game: they watch their own show, and whenever something gay happens, they take a drink. As they view a scene of Captain Hero sniffing his own fingers, the five are all thoroughly intoxicated. Xandir decides to shave a passed-out Ling-Ling's eyebrows; however, Ling-Ling wakes up, gets angry, and proceeds to kill Xandir until all of his remaining lives are gone. Hero, Spanky, and Wooldoor respond to the occurrence by deciding to go get more beer. While out drinking and driving, they strike a homeless man with their van. Wooldoor fears that the three will get in trouble for driving while intoxicated. Spanky panics and runs into the woods, while Hero and Wooldoor decide to attach the homeless man to the van and bring him back to the Drawn Together house in order to nurse him back to health. In the woods, Spanky meets up with the spider Charlotte and comes onto her; Charlotte responds by happily accepting his invitation. He wakes up the next day to find himself stuck in Charlotte's web, with Charlotte non-chalantly cooking breakfast. Spanky immediately regrets his behavior and quickly excuses himself from the scene. However, when he brings a date back to the house some time later, he walks in to find the walls of the house lined with spider webs, each with a menacing message from Charlotte spelled out in its strands. Spanky realizes Charlotte has become obsessed with him and tries to get rid of her by hiring an exterminator (actually bounty hunter Boba Fett). However, when he returns to the house again, he finds a dead Boba Fett entangled in Charlotte's web. Spanky vows to avenge Boba Fett and proceeds to take matters into his own hands. He invites Charlotte to dinner to discuss their situation; Charlotte surprises him by showing him her sac of eggs, all of which feature Spanky's face. Spanky is momentarily taken aback, but quickly regroups and squishes the sac of eggs with his menu. Charlotte flips out and moves in to attack Spanky. Spanky promptly squishes her also, then calmly orders a pork chop dinner.

Meanwhile, when the rest of the men leave, the women of the house are confronted with Ling-Ling standing over Xandir's lifeless body. Ling-Ling responds to their declarations of horror by declaring that he is a heartless battle monster who doesn't value life. At that moment, there is a knock at the door, which turns out to be Xandir's heartbroken parents. Upon realizing that Xandir has a family who loves him and misses him, Ling-Ling decides he must change his ways and promptly enrolls in anger management class. At the class, Hulk tells Ling-Ling that the way to resolve his anger is to come to terms with the source of it. Ling-Ling reveals in a flashback that he had dreams of becoming a dancer, but his dreams were crushed when a boy named Gash captured him and took his dancing shoes away, forcing him into a life of fighting. Ling-Ling sets out to become a dancer again, and goes to Gash's house to demand the return of his dancing shoes. Gash refuses to give them back, and chases Ling-Ling out of the house with his new battle monster, Post-Pubescent Frankie Muniz. Despite the setback, Ling-Ling refuses to give up, and auditions for a role in a new production, Drawn Together: The Musical.

Spanky takes Charlotte to dinner.

Because of his lack of dancing skills, Ling-Ling loses the part of himself to Fran Drescher, but he does manage to win the smaller role of Judge Fudge. On opening night, Ling-Ling prepares to make his debut when the star of the show, Gwyneth Paltrow (playing Princess Clara), is killed by a King Kong-sized gorilla. Ling-Ling is named to replace Paltrow, but panics because he won't be able to handle the role's dancing requirements without his shoes. As he sits backstage despairing, Ling-Ling is greeted by none other than his former trainer Gash. Gash returns Ling-Ling's shoes to him, and tells Ling-Ling the reason he stopped Ling-Ling from dancing: Gash wanted to be a dancer himself, but lacked the talent. With his dancing shoes back on his feet at last, Ling-Ling takes the stage as Clara. With all eyes on him, Ling-Ling walks out on stage and announces that dancing is his dream, but there is someone else with the same dream. He then looks out into the crowd and calls upon Gash to take the stage with him. The two stage an elaborate dance number, but in the process, Gash accidentally releases Post-Pubescent Frankie Muniz from his pyramid. The monster begins attacking the audience. Ling-Ling wants to save everyone by killing the monster, but Gash reminds him that he has left that life behind and is a dancer now. Ling-Ling agrees, and the two resume their dance while Post-Pubescent Frankie Muniz continues his bloody rampage through the crowd.

Finally, Hero and Wooldoor bring the homeless man back to the house and set up a hospital room for him. When Hero takes the man's bandages off, he realizes a terrible secret- the man is actually his archnemesis. Hero decides he needs to kill him; however, rather than simply pulling the plug on him, he undertakes an elaborate James Bond style plot to snuff him out. Hero is about to asphyxiate his enemy with a pillow when he suddenly begins having second thoughts about destroying a man on his death bed. Just as Hero is about to chicken out, the man wakes up and reminds Hero that it is his sworn duty as a superhero to kill him. Hero and his enemy both laugh over Hero's use of the word "duty", and the two end up bonding. Hero's archnemesis asks Hero to grant him one dying wish, to make his body clean for his imminent meeting with his maker. Hero reminds the man that he has already received a sponge bath, but the man informs Hero that there is still one part of his body that still needs cleaning- his genitalia. Hero hates the notion, finding the man's lower region disgusting beyond belief. However, after wrestling with the decision for some time, he finally decides he must do it, so he braces himself and sets to work cleaning the man's testicles. Hero remains thoroughly grossed out by the task, but manages to get the job done. When the task is complete, the man gets up, and with an evil laugh, announces to Hero that the entire affair was an elaborate plot to make Hero clean his testicles again. He hops onto a vehicle shaped like a pair of testicles and takes off. Hero then informs Wooldoor that the man's name is Scroto, and his entire evil game consists of nothing more than constantly devising new ways of making Hero wash his testicles. Wooldoor comments, "What a strange, strange villain" and walks away. Hero then takes out the hand he used to wash Scroto's testicles and sniffs his fingers- the exact same shot that was seen at the beginning of the episode. The scene then cuts back to the men watching the show. They all yell out, "Drink!" and take a hearty swig

Musical Number: At the beginning of the episode, the guys sing "Feel Like Makin' Love" as they drive away in the van. The song was originally performed in 1975 by Bad Company. At his dance audition, Ling-Ling sings "Itsy Bitsy Spider". Next, as he ponders the decision whether or not to wash his opponent's balls, Hero sings "Face the Balls", a ballad about his dilemma. Finally, an unnamed character plays Steve and sings "Steve from Long Island" during the climactic musical.

Lyrics to "Face the Balls"[]

Hero ponders his dilemma in song.

(Sung while Hero is pondering the decision whether or not to wash his opponent's testicles)

How can I face the shriveled balls
Of my decrepit nemesis?
I can smell that crotch from here!

That sack has not been cleaned in years!
It's gotta be drenched in layers
Of sweat and piss

But he taught me how to read
And that has opened up new worlds
Still that stench, rancid flesh,
Soaked in crotch juice, pus, and ass

Good God! It makes me want to hurl!

I can't deny him his dying wish!!!
Even though I swear I'll faint
If I find some ancient dingle berries sticking to his taint...

But wait! I must stand for something!
I'm a hero, after all...

I must have the balls to face his nasty, cadaverous, spidery, putrid, rash-ridden, lice-infested, Limburger-smelling, wretch-inducing---


Notes and inside references[]

"Hey, look, the guys are gone!"

  • None of the episode's three stories involve any of the show's female characters (Clara, Foxxy, and Toot). Instead, the women are featured in a running gag which involves them behaving wildly whenever they notice that the men are not around: Clara plays with a sex toy, Foxxy oils herself up, and Toot merely strips. At one point, Clara and Foxxy are seen cavorting in the hot tub, a reference to their Lesbian hot tub kiss in the first episode. Toot was also briefly seen in the bathtub full of icecubes whereas Wooldoor stole one of her kidneys.
  • "Get Drawn In" contest winner Keith Franklin can be seen holding a tray of drinks during Captain Hero's James Bond scene.
  • Spanky's line, "I won't go back to rehab. I can't go back!", followed by him jumping through a window, is a reference to "Little Orphan Hero", when Clara said, "I can't go back to jail. I won't go back!", and then jumped out a hospital window. The gag would later be repeated by Toot in "Drawn Together Babies".
  • This is the first time since "Super Nanny" that the Hero Cave is shown.
  • Before starting his performance at the audition, Ling-Ling turns on a stereo with no music being audible afterwards
  • Hulk and the musical director are both voiced by Jess Harnell.
  • Gwyneth Paltrow, originally cast to play Princess Clara in the musical, is voiced by Clara's voice actress Tara Strong. Paltrow can later be seen in the background behind Spanky during the restaurant scene.
  • Xandir's having 9 lives contradicts the fact that heas 50 lives all along since Gay Bash, however, unlike Clum Babiesin which Bob the Cucumber is shown shooting Xandir multiple times because of him having 50 Lives, this was probably done for 9 lives to save minutes for more scenes to come in.

Animated cameos[]

Ling-Ling's support group.

  • The spider Charlotte is a character from the book Charlotte's Web, which was made into an animated film in 1973 and a live action film in 2006. The first message Charlotte leaves in her web, "SOME PIG", is the same message the original Charlotte wove in an attempt to save Wilbur the Pig.
  • Spanky hires an "exterminator" to kill Charlotte, who turns out to be Boba Fett from the Star Wars franchise. This is Boba Fett's second appearance on the show; he was previously hired to kill Toot in "Alzheimer's That Ends Well", but killed Spanky instead.

Cultural references[]

  • When the guys hit a homeless man with the van, Wooldoor says that the accident occurred because they were drinking and driving, and then says, "The more you know." This is another reference to NBC's "The More You Know" public service announcements, which the show had previously referenced in "Requiem for a Reality Show" and "Alzheimer's That Ends Well".
  • When confronting Ling-Ling about her son's death, Xandir's mother says, "You knew there was a shark out there, but you let people go swimming anyway." This is a reference to Jaws.

Hero's archnemesis Scroto.

  • After Wooldoor mentions that he gave the homeless man a kidney transplant, the scene cuts to Toot waking up in a bathtub full of ice minus a kidney, and with the words "Call a doctor" written on the wall in blood. This is a reference to a famous urban legend about travellers being drugged and having their kidneys harvested by organ thieves.[1]
  • When Ling-Ling is seen dancing for the first time, the song playing in the background is MC Hammer's "U Can't Touch This". The outfit he wears refers to the song's video.
  • When Gash captures him, Ling-Ling says, "Ling-Ling captured by pre-teen boy... just like Pete Townsend's heart." This refers to a 2003 incident where the musician was accused of using the Internet to access child pornography.
  • The red dragon battle monster Ling-Ling fights in the flashback is based on the Pokémon Charizard.
  • Gash's new battle monster is named "Post-Pubescent Frankie Muniz", playing on the fact that many male child stars become unpopular and develop behavioral problems upon outgrowing their childhood.
  • Two of the messages Charlotte leaves Spanky in her web are "You won't catch me!" and "I'm the Gingerbread Man." This is a reference to the 1998 film The Gingerbread Man.
  • Another of Charlotte's messages is "Zoom Zoom!", a slogan used in Mazda's car commercials.
  • The scene where Hero goes undercover to snuff out his nemesis (and kills his housemates in the process) is a general parody of the James Bond films; the scene where he emerges out of the water, removing his scuba clothing to reveal an evening suit, is a parody of the opening scene of both Goldfinger and True Lies.
  • When Spanky calls the Exterminator, instead of a normal ringtone, you can hear Basil Exposition's phone ring from the Austin Powers film series.


  • In the first scene, showing Xandir's dead body after he is out of lives, his leg is twisted, but in all subsequent scenes, his leg is normal.
  • As seen in the deleted scene in Hot Tub, the flashback in Gay Bash, and the cutaway in Foxxy vs. the Board of Education, Ling Ling killed Gash to escape from his world. However, in this episode, Gash is shown to still be alive and in perfectly good health.
  • in the first scene of Anger Management, Marvin the Martian was clearly seen (from the back), but when Hulk got upset, and smashed through the walls, Marvin was absent.
  • At the Drawn Together Musical Show, Gash is originally seen sitting in the audience in front of Foxxy, Clara and Toot. However, when Ling-Ling calls him on stage, he's surrounded by different people.
  • On the televised version of the closed captions, When Spanky calls the Exterminator, The captions say "Boba Fett?" when what he really said was "Extermination company?". On the DVD version, however, the captions are correct.
  • At the end of the episode, the guys are playing the drinking game again, watching the ending scene to the same episode, mirroring the episode's first scene, and making an infinite inception joke. However, there is an inaccuracy in the second timeline, showing the guys, drinking again. Here, Ling-Ling is seen wearing a black robe, a holdover from the Judge Fudge costume he wore during the musical, which he wasn't wearing in the same scene at the beginning of the episode, and is also contradictory for him to be wearing as he never would have put that on if he had never joined the play, and he would have never joined the play if he had never killed Xandir, and Xandir was shown to still be alive in this scene.
  • As Captain Hero kills Clara and Foxxy during an assassination mission, their blood does not flow to the other side of the pool, except the spot they were in.


It can be viewed at the official Drawn Together website here.